It is now March and it is the one year anniversary of Terry’s death. I have been wanting to write about him for so long, but for some reason I couldn’t get past this block. I tried writing poems, essays, short stories, etc., but the words just wouldn’t come. Over the last week or so, something has changed. I am finding my words, I am finding it easier to get my thoughts in order, and I am ready to tell the story of my brother and I.

When I was a child, I remember Terry and I fighting a lot. I remember, when we were alone, how he would tell me how much he hated me. He knew how to push my buttons and I knew how to push his. After a few years, when I got older, I got sneaky and found ways to get him in trouble. He told me he hated me; I broke one of mom’s drinking glasses leaving the mess for her to see. He called me ugly; I sabotaged dad’s cigarettes by putting a match head in one of them (a trick Terry taught me by the way). And my greatest achievement (proud of it or not? You be the judge.)…Terry told me I was too ugly to ever get married; I slapped myself on the arm so hard mom heard and saw the welt. Yes, it was a “HATE/HATE” relationship.

As we got a little older and we matured, the relationship changed. This brother I “HATED” became kind of cool and funny. When a friend of mine and I were threatened by two guys with syringes shooting up in the playground; he went running across the street and chased them off. When I told him there were girls sunbathing in the park; he took off his shirt , did some pushups and sit-ups, rubbed himself with baby oil, got on his bike and rode in circles hoping they would notice. When I said I didn’t want to go to the Jr. High Freshie Dance because my cords looked stupid and people would laugh he got down on his hands and knees with a ruler and rolled them so each leg had the same number of folds and told me that anyone who laughed at the way I was dressed wasn’t my friend.

Anyone who knows Terry knows just how “charming” he could be.  This “charm” made him a favourite of my friends (so many had crushes on him), a favourite of our mother (even though she always denied it…LOL), actually it made him a favourite of just about anyone he met; especially our Grandma Hanson.  He charmed Grandma so much, Vanessa and I even had to make him a sandwich one time because he had convinced her he worked very hard at school and was too tired to make it himself…and she believed him.

Brent may have been the first of my brothers to meet Garth but Terry was the first to know that Garth was planning to propose.   They saw each other at a bar and Garth, knowing Terry was on his way to Japan,  told him he was going to ask me to marry him.  I am still not sure what Terry said to him, but when I saw him off with mom and dad when he left for Japan, he hugged me and told me not to cry because I was about to have the best Christmas ever.  I was too busy bawling to say anything, but I remember thinking he must be crazy.

After he moved to Japan, we kept in touch as often as we could.  He called me after surviving his first earthquake, just to let me know he was okay.  I remember thinking at the time that he sounded scared so, me being me, I asked him.  He said that it did scare him but he knew what to do and told me how he stood in the doorway until the shaking stopped.  Then he told me  a story of some guy who ran naked in the street when it happened…I never said anything to him but I kind of giggled every time I thought about that because it wouldn’t have surprised me if it was him.

Terry would phone me whenever anything big happened in his life.  He called me and told me when he was bringing Miki home to meet mom and dad the first time; he called to tell me he proposed to her; he called when Miki was pregnant with Ayli and Hideki and I remember him calling to tell me they were coming home for the first time.  Soon, Facebook and Messenger became our main source of communication.  We talked more often, commented on each other’s Facebook pages, but no conversation was better than those we had whenever they came home.

December, 2015, everything changed.   He had been diagnosed with his brain tumour and for the first year or so after his surgery, we were communicating quite often.  Then I noticed that he wasn’t commenting or using messenger as often.  When he did, he would make mistakes and get frustrated.  It was at this time that he started telling me to get an iPad, not an iPhone (because I hate iPhones…actually I hate MOST Apple products).  We tried Skype, but he kept forgetting his password, and we were both getting frustrated.  All I wanted was to see him and hear his voice; it made me angry that everyone else could talk to him except for me.  On April 17, 2017, my wonderful husband bought me my first and ONLY Apple product I will ever own…my iPad.

On April 19, 2017, I made my first FaceTime call to Terry.  It was very emotional for the two of us.  Just to see him and hear his voice made me so happy.  I was surprised at how good he looked and how great he sounded.  I remember that first conversation very well and it will stay with me forever.  Once the emotional part was over, We talked about his cancer, his life expectancy and how he wasn’t afraid to die.  I had done my own research, so I knew how long he may have, but I wouldn’t/couldn’t tell him that.  Part of me believed that if I did tell him, he would know how much I was hurting and I couldn’t put him through that.

Over the next eight months or so, he slowly started communicating less and less.  He stopped commenting on Facebook and we would go for weeks without FaceTime.  When I would talk to him, I noticed he was always looking tired. Even though he didn’t say anything right away, I could tell he was having a hard time holding the iPad or sometimes even talking.  By October, I noticed his eyesight seemed to be going and he was struggling.  Again, I didn’t say anything.  Why?  It was because I would cry because I knew he didn’t have much time left and I couldn’t do that to him or Miki and the kids.  They were going through a difficult time and I felt I had to be the strong one.  So I just kept telling him to fight, which was the most I could do.

When he went into the hospital for the last time, I knew I was losing him.  I knew his time in my life was almost over and I found it so hard to deal with it.  I went to work, I cried, I came home, I cried, I ate, I cried, I slept.  It got to the point that when I did FaceTime, I cried but I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye…not yet.  Then Good Friday came, I had the stomach flu so I came home to sleep after work while Garth took the kids out for supper.  I remember lying on the couch and hearing my iPad ring, it was from Terry and Miki.  I was feverish and tired and I didn’t want to answer but this voice inside my head told me I had to.  It was the best thing I could have done.  Terry looked so peaceful, for the first time in a long time he looked peaceful, and it made me feel good.  I talked to Miki and the kids for a while, told them I loved them, told Terry I loved him and hung up.  It was then that I realized that I never cried when I said “goodbye”.   I slept all night for the first time in a long time.

We got the news the next day while on the way to Calgary, on March 31st.  It was both a shock and a relief.  He wouldn’t be suffering anymore but he would be leaving behind Miki and the kids, dad, Brent and I, Sarah…I just wished I had one more time to tell him  loved him, I wished I could hug him one more time, I wished I could hear his voice one last time.  Then I got angry with myself.  Why did I put off buying an iPad for so long?  Why didn’t I just get my passport and fly over during those two years?   Why didn’t I tell him how it felt to know he was dying?  Once I quit feeling sorry for myself, I realized that he knew me better than I know myself because one of the first things he said to me during our first FaceTime conversation was “Tanya, l’m going to die and I want you to plan my Memorial Service”.  He knew the answer to all of these questions and knew that I would be strong enough to do what he asked.

I’ve come to the end of my memorial but not the end of our story.  I have so much more to say but that will be for a later time.  Terry was a very forgiving, thoughtful and thankful person and in his memory, before I finish, I want to do the following:   I would like to take the time to thank Terry’s friends (some from childhood) and colleagues for being there for him to the end;  I would like to thank all of my friends especially Jan, Cindy and Colleen for letting me lean on you during this rough time in my life;  I would like to thank the cousins who were there to support all of us during this time especially Vanessa, Jeannine and Michelle  (the three of you will always be more like sisters than cousins);  I would like to thank my niece Sarah for being my sounding board and being strong enough for both of us at times;  I would like to thank Garth, Dan, Jamie, Katie and Garth’s family (especially Brenda Lee and Glenda) for always being there for me;  I would like to thank Dad and Brent for just being who you are; I would especially like to thank Miki, Ayli and Hideki for being part of all of our lives;  and I would like to thank Terry for being ONE of the most annoying, loving, strange, big brothers a girl could ever have.

Thank you all for reading and I am sure I will be writing more soon.