10 REASONS I HATE THE HEAT…

I ALWAYS FEEL STICKY AND SWEATY…And not in the good way.  You know what I’m talking about.  That sticky sweaty feeling you have after a long night of hot, steamy……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. YOGA!  Get your mind out of the gutter you idiot.

PARTS OF MY BODY SWEAT THAT AREN’T SUPPOSED TO SWEAT…Or at least that’s the way I feel.  Why in the Hell do the backs of my knees sweat.  Not only the backs of my knees but the insides of my elbows, my neck, my under carriage (I’ll let you figure that one out).  Oh, there are other parts but I refuse to mention them because it simply can’t be normal.  I wish DOVE would come out with an all over deodorant/antiperspirant.  One you could use on ALL your body parts.  Wait.  Too much information you say.  Well  too bad because I speak the truth.

MY HAIR ALWAYS LOOKS GREASY…It doesn’t matter what I do it looks greasy.  Hair products, no hair products it always looks like I haven’t washed it in a year.  Hell, I could probably grease a squeaky hinge with the amount of oil that sits on the top of my head when it’s hot.  I go out in the morning looking like my hair was professionally (or at least semi-professionally) done and I come back  an hour later looking like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber.  I really don’t get it.

HEATWAVES COMING OFF THE CONCRETE…Yes, I looked out the window this afternoon and there were heat waves coming off the driveway.  It was like living in a bugs bunny cartoon.  Everything was wavey and weird looking, I was expecting the road runner and Wile E. Coyote to crawl up the sidewalk holding signs saying “WATER”.  But instead, all I saw was my nine year old with the hose down his pants.

EVERYTHING MELTS…Everything.  It never fails.  I take a tray of ice cubes out and put them in a pitcher and by the time I get the cold water in there they melt.  Frick.  I love ice cubes but not when they melt because then they’re just water and what fun is that.  Seriously though, everything melts.  That whole thing about M&Ms melting in your mouth and not in your hands isn’t true believe me.  Oh sure, some of you will say that I shouldn’t have taken them out of the wrapper and carried them in my hand during my 10 minute walk, but that’s not the point.  Either it’s false advertising or everything I am saying is true EVERYTHING MELTS.

EVERYONE IS IRRITABLE…Yes, I said everyone.  And I know it’s not just me.  Uh uh.  It’s not me.  I’m not irritable at all.  Don’t sit there reading this with that look on your face.  What’s that look for anyway?  Do you think your better than me?  DO you really think your better than me?  Come live an hour in my shoes and I’ll show you irritable.  Don’t you dare delete this blog.  Do you know what i’m going to do to you if you delete this *bleeping” blog?  Are you listening to me now?  Good.  Because as I said everyone is irritable including you.  After all I just wrote this blog and you started getting all in my face about deleting it and everything so I’m just going on to my next point.

COOKING SUCKS…Everything is hot.  The stove is hot.  The oven is hot.  The BBQ is hot.  A fire is hot.  And I of course sweat while I’m using them.  Which isn’t good if you read numbers one and two above.  I wish there was a way we could cook our food fast.  Something that doesn’t produce any heat whatsoever.  An appliance that cooks items from the inside out very quickly.  Maybe something that cooks in waves.  Or maybe even an appliance that cooks slowly.  You know, you could put your food in it in the morning and it would cook it all day and all you would have to do is turn it on.  And this isn’t going to happen until pigs fly, so until they do, COOKING SUCKS.

MY MAKEUP RUNS…Actually it either runs or it completely disappears.  Seriously.  When it’s this hot there are days I look in the mirror after applying it and think “now that’s a nice, subtle, smokey eye.”  And then by the time I walk into the living room I look like Marilyn Manson.  There are other days when I apply it, it looks good, and again I walk into another room and it looks like I haven’t applied any.  Where the heck did it go?  Does it escape into the environment?  Is that why cows have such long eyelashes; from disappearing mascara?

DEODORANT DOESN’T WORK…Seriously, it doesn’t seem to work.  It doesn’t just happen to me.  It happens to everyone.  You put it on in the morning and then two hours later, whether you are in the car, at the mall, or in a restaurant.  It hits you, You smell something a little off and you do that subtle little move.  You know the one.  The one where you pretend to stretch and you take a quick smell to see if that was you or something(one) else.  And you just did it now didn’t you?

IT’S HOT…There is nothing good about something being hot.  Think about it.  Fire is hot, you touch it and you get burned.  The sun is hot, stay out too long and you get sun burned.  You date someone who is hot, and pretty soon they want something better and you get burned.  Hotdogs get cooked to long over any heat source and they get burned. Your furnace gets over heated in the winter and gets too hot and your house gets burned.  it just goes on and on. Nothing good ever comes from heat I tells ya.  Nothing at all.

Well, there you have it, the ten reasons I hate the heat.  Hope you enjoy and Tanya is out of here.